Amanda’s Story

It is November 2nd. I am not sure how or why the flipping of a piece
of paper over that has November written at the top can make me feel so
out of sorts.  I am not sure I have ever shared this but I am going to
now.  I HATE the month of November.  October is great.  Allison’s
birthday, my birthday, Halloween, and the beginning of fall are all
wonderful things and great ways to make memories with my children.
November has Thanksgiving and the beginning of The Christmas Season. At
first glance November shouldn’t be all that horrible right?

Holidays are always difficult after you have lost a loved one and
especially a child. But usually you feel grumpy and crabby the day or
the week or month they actually died. Or I see their Birthday being
difficult. For me Amanda’s birth and death came on the same day in
July. But I don’t tend to get upset, angry or sad in July. I rejoice at
her short life and the people she touched.

Its November that is my sad depressed grumpy time of year. It comes
each year just like the flipping of the Calendar with the word November
glaring at me reminding me whats coming.

Why November you might be wondering. Well to be honest I didn’t
realize it until last year. For the past 3 years I have been a total
grump in November. I pick fights with Tony. Throw the equivalent of a 2
year olds fit when decorating the Christmas tree the weekend after
Thanksgiving. In general I am a pain to live with.

November 2003 is when we found out we were pregnant with Amanda. The
day after Thanksgiving to be exact. November 2003 is when we decided
adding to our family is what we wanted and the time was right. November
2003 was the last time I thought I had the perfect life the perfect
family.

We were so excited about adding to our family. Never in my wildest
dreams did I ever consider I wouldn’t get the story book ending.

So it seems every November a dark gloomy cloud parks itself over me
and goes away as mysteriously as it shows up when the Calendar changes
to December 1st.

So for the next 28 days if I don’t seem all the cheerful I am sorry.
Its almost like I combine all my bad days into one month and do it all
at once instead of spreading them out over the year.

Even though I know what is causing it and that its happening it
doesn’t always help me stop the irrational anger and sadness that shows
up unannounced to those around me.

To top it off this November Pastor Robb is leaving our church. He
has accepted another call at a mission church not to far from us.
Pastor Robb was with us that day in July 3 1/2 years ago. My heart and
prayers go with you and your family to your new church home. But it
makes my heart hurt to see you go.

Kim

This entry was posted on Friday, November 2nd, 2007 at 7:28 pm and is filed under Amanda. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.