Happy 10th Birthday
I have been staring at this blank page off and on for almost 2 weeks now. I write a blog post every year for Amanda’s birthday. I don’t know if I am having more trouble this year or I just don’t remember past years. Nothing seems right. Usually I end up with a spark of inspiration in the weeks leading up to her birthday but this year nothing. Well that’s not true it came during church about 2 weeks ago, but because it is rude to whip out your phone and start typing during the sermon the inspiration left before I could write it down. So I have been left staring at this blank computer screen.
It is now July 12th the day before Amanda’s birthday. Usually the 12th is worse than the actual day. I am making cupcakes today and we will release balloons tomorrow to mark her birth and death. It is usually not a sad day. The kids know why we do it they know we are remembering their sister. But it’s not a sad day. They enjoy the cake, balloons and we make the day about memories not tears. The first few years were very sad and hard now it’s is about moving forward and remembering the journey.
We started this journey 10 years ago. I don’t know how I am suppose to feel on the 10th anniversary of my child’s death. I am not depressed. Sad yes! I miss her! I miss what could have been. But I get up everyday and I take care of my family. From the outside we are the normal middle class family with 2 parents, 2 kids, and 2 dogs. On the inside we are a family with an empty chair at the dinner table.
This is the one time of the year I allow myself to wonder what it would be like to have 3 kids. How crazy my life would be with a 12, 10 and 8 year old running around. Some days I wonder if I could handle that chaos but most of the time I know I would love it, embrace it, and complain about it like all other normal moms.
Sadly I am not a normal mom. I am a mom with a child in heaven. I am a mom who still wonders what color Amanda’s eyes are, what her personality would be like, and how she would have fit into our family. I am a mom that wonders what it would be like to raise children that didn’t include a birthday party for a sister they never got to know. 10 years doesn’t make those questions go away. The intense pain is less after 10 years but the questions are still there.
I don’t have the answers to how I am suppose to feel on the 10th anniversary of my child’s death. My guess there is no real answers. The only answer I have is that I will see her again and everyday I walk a step closer to that. I dream of the day that Jesus meets me at the gates of heaven and hands me the baby girl I entrusted to him so many years ago.
Happy 10th Birthday baby girl!