Archive for the ‘Random thoughts’ Category

Happy 10th Birthday

Saturday, July 12th, 2014

I have been staring at this blank page off and on for almost 2 weeks now. I write a blog post every year for Amanda’s birthday. I don’t know if I am having more trouble this year or I just don’t remember past years.  Nothing seems right. Usually I end up with a spark of inspiration in the weeks leading up to her birthday but this year nothing. Well that’s not true it came during church about 2 weeks ago, but because it is rude to whip out your phone and start typing during the sermon the inspiration left before I could write it down. So I have been left staring at this blank computer screen.

It is now July 12th the day before Amanda’s birthday. Usually the 12th is worse than the actual day. I am making cupcakes today and we will release balloons tomorrow to mark her birth and death. It is usually not a sad day. The kids know why we do it they know we are remembering their sister. But it’s not a sad day. They enjoy the cake, balloons and we make the day about memories not tears. The first few years were very sad and hard now it’s is about moving forward and remembering the journey.

We started this journey 10 years ago. I don’t know how I am suppose to feel on the 10th anniversary of my child’s death. I am not depressed. Sad yes! I miss her! I miss what could have been. But I get up everyday and I take care of my family. From the outside we are the normal middle class family with 2 parents, 2 kids, and 2 dogs. On the inside we are a family with an empty chair at the dinner table.

This is the one time of the year I allow myself to wonder what it would be like to have 3 kids. How crazy my life would be with a 12, 10 and 8 year old running around. Some days I wonder if I could handle that chaos but most of the time I know I would love it, embrace it, and complain about it like all other normal moms.

Sadly I am not a normal mom. I am a mom with a child in heaven. I am a mom who still wonders what color Amanda’s eyes are, what her personality would be like, and how she would have fit into our family. I am a mom that wonders what it would be like to raise children that didn’t include a birthday party for a sister they never got to know. 10 years doesn’t make those questions go away. The intense pain is less after 10 years but the questions are still there.

I don’t have the answers to how I am suppose to feel on the 10th anniversary of my child’s death. My guess there is no real answers. The only answer I have is that I will see her again and everyday I walk a step closer to that. I dream of the day that Jesus meets me at the gates of heaven and hands me the baby girl I entrusted to him so many years ago.

 

Happy 10th Birthday baby girl!

10 Years!

Sunday, March 23rd, 2014

10 years. It has been 10 years since Tony and I sat in the doctor’s office waiting with excitement to find out the gender of our second child. It has been 10 years since our world came crashing down around us on that chilly March morning.

It’s amazing to me how 10 years later some things are a complete blur and some things I recall with clear and precise details. I remember being nervous the morning of the first ultrasound with no real reason why. I remember every detail of that first ultrasound: the excitement, and the concern and fear when we realized something was not quite right. But the ride home the next two days of waiting to see the specialist is all a blur. I do remember in clear details the moment the specialist told us our child would not survive. We had 2 choices: carry to term (and lose the baby), or end the pregnancy now (and lose the baby). After that I don’t even remember walking to the car, going home, or any of the conversations that happened later that evening. I do remember the phone conversation with my OB days later about what our choice was going to be. He was supportive and a source of hope through out the next months.

This is where I was 10 years ago. Beginning the journey of pregnancy, complications, and infant loss.

Now 10 years later, Alex is almost 12 years old and in the 6th grade enjoying Boy Scouts, confirmation class at church, school band, and just being a great kid. He was just 19 months old when our lives changed course. He wasn’t old enough to have any real memories of what life was or would have been like if we hadn’t been directed on this path. Sometimes I wonder how things would have been different for him. I know I am a different person; my outlook on life has been altered. I am not the same parent I would have been otherwise. But what did that mean for him? That is a question with no real answer. I could say that it was meant to be this way, therefore he is who he was suppose to be. But then that leads to the slippery slope that I was meant to lose a child and… well yeah, that just sucks.

Then there is Allie, our fun loving and crazy girl. She came to us in the beginning our our journey through the world of grief. The decision to have another child came quickly after Amanda was born/died not because I was trying to replace the lost child, but because I felt if I got sucked any farther into the world of grief, I wouldn’t come out. She is now 8 1/2 years old and truly lives up the Rainbow child label. “Rainbow child” is the name given to the child born after a loss. She brought happiness into our lives in a way that only she could.

In the last 10 years our family has grown changed and continued to walk in our Journey. I saw something on Facebook a few weeks ago from Rick Warren’s wife. Their son committed suicide 10 months ago. She was very eloquent in describing what the first year of grieving a lost child is like. You feel stuck while the world goes on around you. Everyone wants to know when you will “move on” and become “your old self” again. 10 years into this journey “moving on” and “your old self” doesn’t really happen. Yeah I still get up everyday and do the things I am suppose to do. I am an involved parent in my kids’ activities. Looking from the outside I am just like any other parent with an elementary and middle school student. I have carpool, kids activities, homework and I get frustrated/exhausted just like any other mom.

But I see everything through grief colored glasses. It is not always obvious and sometimes it still catches me off guard, but everything I do is filtered through the experience of losing a child. I see the world differently, I react to the world differently. Amanda is never far from my thoughts. I see babies and I don’t think about Alex or Allie as infants; I think about Amanda. What would she have been like? I see pregnant women and I say a prayer that their baby is healthy, because no parent should ever experience the loss of a child. I can say that 10 years later the pain is not as raw and all-consuming. I can have a conversation about Amanda without falling apart. I can walk into the baby department of a store without having a panic attack. I can remember the day she was born without overwhelming sadness. Not because I have “moved on” and not because I am my “old self”, but because I have traveled the last 10 years knowing this is a life long journey; and missing and grieving for my lost child never stops.

Happy Birthday

Saturday, July 13th, 2013

Nine years ago today I experienced one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  I held an angel in my arms and placed her in the waiting hands of God.  If you asked everyone in the hospital room what they experienced? The answers would all be a little different.  They would likely included amazing, surreal, sad heartbreaking.  If you ask me to describe the time we spent with Amanda my answer is a jumbled mess, highlighted by the fact this is the 5th version of this post.

I talk a lot about how we miss her and the challenges of the grieving process of loosing a child.  Today I want to talk about the morning we meet Amanda.  After medically assessing her condition the doctors brought her to us to hold and care for her as long as we could.  Several friends were present as well as our Pastor at the time.  We did all the things we wanted dressed her, took pictures, we got hand prints and foot prints a lock of her hair.  All the stuff you do with a healthy infant we just had to do it all then we didn’t have the luxury of time.  Honestly as hard as the last few months of the pregnancy were we were blessed with the ability to prepare so the morning of her birth everything was in place.  This allowed me to be focused on her with all of my attention even though I know lots of stuff was going on around me.

Gods presence filled my hospital room that morning.  I had never felt anything like that before or since.  When I looked upon the face of my newborn daughter I saw the face of god.

Happy Birthday to my Baby Girl that would have been 9 years old today!

Kim

God’s Plan

Sunday, January 8th, 2012

Today in Sunday School we talked about God’s Plan and how people blame bad things that happen in our lives on God.  This is an interesting concept for me and probably anyone who has lost a child or a loved one to tragic circumstances.  I can not in anyway shape or form believe that God would have chosen for me to lose a child.  If I were to believe that then I would have to believe that I had done something to deserve that kind of pain.  And no one deserves that kind of pain!

So no God did not choose for me to lose a child.  No, it does not help if someone tells me it was a part of God’s plan.  No,  it does not help if someone says it was for the Best.  The Best for who?

God did however make sure the right people were in place at the right time in our lives to make the tragic experience of losing a child as tolerable as possible.   From the doctors to church members to family and friends everyone had a part to play in the most tragic experience and most amazing experience of my life so far.

I also never blamed God for what happened. I did go through all of the steps of grief.  Denial, Bargaining, Anger and eventually Acceptance.  However, I was never angry at or blamed God.  I do understand how that happens though.  The need to blame someone is very strong and God is an easy target because he doesn’t fight back.

I believe the strength of my faith before the doctors told us the devastating news that March afternoon is one of the main reasons I can claim that the morning of July 13, 2004 is and will remain one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had.

Kim

It’s that time again!

Monday, November 8th, 2010

Flipping the Calendar over every year to November sends me into a emotional tail spin. I tell myself that its just another day just a piece of paper. My brain knows this but my heart not so much!

My brain flashes back to my life before! Before It changed! Before I changed! Before I ended up on the wrong end of the statistics! Before I left a hospital with empty Arms!

In October 2003 we started discussing having another baby. Alex was an adorable 18 month old! Why wouldn’t we want to have another one?! We were unsure about the timing, didn’t want to mess up a good thing. Seriously little did we know! But when we didn’t get pregnant in October and realized how disappointed we were, we knew it was the right time to add to our family. November rolls around and travel plans before Thanksgiving were suppose to interfere with baby making. Little did I know we actually got pregnant 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. While we were out of town I was having crazy dreams, normally not my first symptom of pregnancy, so I ignored them. We drove home the day before Thanksgiving and then were going to dinner at my moms house on Thanksgiving Day. I was so tired I fell asleep on the couch before we were suppose to leave. REALLY?? on Thanksgiving. Still I ignored the fact that I was exhausted! Then I started to feel off! So I made Tony buy a pregnancy test. But by this point I knew I was pregnant. I got up early Saturday morning to take the test didn’t even wake Tony up. The LINE showed up immediately. No question I was pregnant. I did a little happy dance in the bathroom and then went back to bed. I was so tired!

That morning was the last vivid memory I have of the person I was. Of how my life was suppose to be. Even though we didn’t find out Amanda was sick until March 16th approx 16 weeks later. I remember that Thanksgiving as the beginning of the new life I had no idea I was in for.

I now know that this was the path my life was suppose to take. To have and loose a baby changed me. Some good some bad. But today I am the person I was suppose to be. But that doesn’t make the memories any easier to process.

Every year November kicks my butt emotionally. I do find it strange that November is the hard time of year for me. Amanda’s Birthday is a celebration that the kids and I enjoy. March 16th is a day that passes without much fanfare. November and Thanksgiving are hard!!!

Kim

Candles Lit

Friday, October 15th, 2010

Candles lit in memory of Amanda and all babies taken too soon.

October 15th

Friday, October 15th, 2010

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day! Tonight at 7pm parents and families will light a candle in remembrance of all the babies lost too soon.

I will be one of them. I am the Face of pregnancy and infant loss!

**Copied from www.Iamtheface.org**

Every single day in the US, 2,000 women lose a baby to pregnancy/infant loss. That’s 700,000 a year, a third of every female in this country. So why does no one talk about it?

In honor of October 15th, National Pregnancy/Infant Loss Remembrance Day, we are opening up the conversation. We are “putting a face” on miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. We are sharing our faces, and declaring to the world, “I am not ashamed to talk about my baby.”

The goal of the I AM THE FACE campaign is simple: to spread awareness of pregnancy/infant loss, and raise support for those who are affected by it. With your help, we will raise $2,000 for the 2,000 women who experience the loss of a child every day. $2,000 for 2,000 faces.

Donations will go to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, a nonprofit organization with a mission of providing support and resources for parents who have lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss and to spread awareness of pregnancy and infant loss throughout the greater community.

****

Happy Birthday

Tuesday, July 13th, 2010

Amanda would have been six years old today. Entering the first grade in a few weeks, learning how to ride a bike this summer and enjoying the pool with her brother and sister. Instead she is running with Angels today. I don’t have the capacity to imagine what Heaven is like but I know it’s a sweeter place because she is there.

After 6 years we have certainly found our new normal but not without thoughts of our sweet daughter we spent so little time with. Every year on her Birthday we have a balloon release and I make a cake or cupcakes. Alex and Allison really enjoy this and it makes her birthday a day of fun and celebration instead of sadness. They are both old enough to understand that they have a sister that is in Heaven. I am really glad we have never hidden that from them and they will grow up knowing her and our journey.

6th Birthday Balloon Release Video

When a baby is destined to die

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008

When a baby is destined to die

The link above is to an MSN article about Poor Prenatal Diagnosis.  This article does a very good job of describing what its like and how the world around you looks upon you when you choose to carry a baby to term that is destined to die.  The questions the looks of not understanding our choices.  Along with the support and compassion for our choice.

This is the one section of the article that speaks volumes.

Both options — to terminate or continue the pregnancy — are heartbreaking.

“It’s the worst news that anyone could get — that your child is going to die,” says Schoonveld. “These horrible feelings aren’t going to go away with a termination. But the flip side is that they’re not going to go away after a baby is born either. … For many families it’s their first real parenting decision.”

Many have family and friends who are mystified as to why a couple would continue a pregnancy knowing their child will die. Loved ones often fear that by continuing on, the parents are simply delaying their grief or torturing themselves. What will they say to strangers who casually ask if the nursery is ready? And what if bringing the baby into this world causes the child suffering?

But for some, the pregnancy feels precious because it may be the only time they’ll get to be with that child, says Schoonveld. “I think most people who have continued want to experience as much time with the baby as possible and want to hopefully meet the baby.”

Other families may have religious reasons that guide their choice. Sometimes parents may hold out a hope that somehow the terminal diagnosis was wrong. And others just don’t want to be the one who decides when their baby dies.

“Don’t assume we’re Luddites or religious fanatics,” Kuebelbeck says. “Don’t assume we’re saints. We’re just parents doing the best we can.”

We experienced ALL of the above!

Initially I was very torn about our decision.   I didn’t think I could carry a baby for 5 more months knowing he/she was going to die.  But on the flip side I also could not be the one to make the decision to end her life.

So many times Tony and I were told how strong we were and how amazing a job we did and how we were such an inspiration.  We really didn’t understand and still don’t.  So many people told us they didn’t think they could do what we did.  My response to that is “You do what you have to”.  We didn’t make our journey alone.  Our faith carried us just as our Lord carried Amanda to heaven that day in July.

I am encouraged that carrying a terminally ill baby to term is becoming more accepted.  And hospitals and birthing centers are becoming equipped to deal with this situation in a compassionate way, because I know not everyone has a positive experience like we did when Amanda was born.

Kim

“Welcome to Holland”

Friday, August 10th, 2007

(This was posted on the Bereavement Message Board)

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability, or being a parent who has experienced a loss- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this:

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.” And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

– Emily Pearl Kingsley