3 Years – Almost there
3 Years ago today I had my final regular doctor appointment. Little did I know in 6 days I would be giving birth to our perfect Angel. The last month of Amanda’s pregnancy was very emotional, both good and bad.
Dr B. wanted to do the C-section at 39 weeks. I wanted it earlier as I was getting concerned with loosing her before she was born because she was growing so well despite all the problems. He was going to be out of town during my 37th week which really concerned me but there was nothing I could do. I wasn’t going to ask him to reschedule his vacation. So we agreed on doing the c-section around 38 weeks. This was 1 week earlier then he wanted to do it and 1 week later than I wanted to do it.
I was excited to see this part of our journey end but not so excited to start the next phase. With about 3 weeks to go until the planned C-section date a part of me had come to accept what the outcome was going to be. In my heart I knew there was a chance the doctors were wrong and she would be born perfectly healthy. But I also knew after all the many ultrasounds that possibility faded every time we got the “no change” response from the Doctors.
At this point in the pregnancy I became almost obsessed with her being born alive. During the first weeks and months after we found out she was sick I prayed for the miracle everyone wanted for her to be healed and healthy. As time went on my prayers changed to wanting and needing her to be born alive. I needed to hold her say my hello’s and goodbyes to a living breathing child. Inevitability this was the prayer that was answered she was born alive.
At this last and final doctors appointment we scheduled the C-section date. When I got home and received the phone call with the confirmed date and time July 28, 2004 at 8am I hung up the phone and had the worst (maybe the only) panic attack I have ever experienced. I suddenly realized I just scheduled the day my child was going to die. That completely freaked me out. So much so that I now believe my stress over scheduling the C-section sent my into early labor. Over the next few days I started to have contractions in increasing frequency. My stress level just continued to climb. I was so worried about how I was going to handle the next 3 weeks of knowing almost to the hour when my child was going to die that my body completely rebelled. Which in retrospect was a good thing. Though the few days of contractions and calls to the doctor were scary and unnerving to say the least, I was given a reprieve. I didn’t have to wait 3 weeks. She came on her time not mine not the doctor’s. I did not schedule the day she was going to die. She chose her Birthday and chose the moment she would leave this earthly existence and enter a Heavenly one.
I am not sure how I would have handled the next 3 weeks had I not gone into labor early. Though I would give anything to have had more time with her, stressing for 3 weeks would not have been calm quality time. It is so much better that it happened this way.
Kim