Last Year
Last year I wrote a series of blog post Entitled “3 years ago”, they recounted our journey from the ultrasound on March 16, 2004 to Amanda’s Birth on July 13, 2004. I have not done the same thing this year as I didn’t feel the need to completely revisit the entire journey.
Amanda would have been 4 years old this summer. The old cliche says “Time heals all wounds” or the less caring one “Give it some time you will get over it” nice huh? I don’t particularly like any of the sayings people come up with when trying to comfort someone after they have lost a loved one. But there is some truth in them. The more time goes by the easier it is to get out of bed everyday. The easier it is to see a pregnant woman with out a stabbing pain in my gut. But its not easier because I miss her less, love her less, or think about her less.
The best way to describe it is the grief and pain is like an open wound. In the beginning it hurts like Hell and all you can do is think about how much it hurts. As the wound begins to heal the pain is less but it is still very sensitive and any little nick will open it up again. Like seeing a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. Each time the wound opens again it heals just a little faster then the time before. Then as more time goes buy the scab gets a bit stronger and it takes more to open the wound again. And eventually the wound heals leaving a scar as a reminder of your journey.
I am to the point where it takes a good bit to open the would but it is not healed over yet. To this end I have taken a step back from a few things I was involved with. I was very active in Angels in Atlanta, a service organization that helps families dealing with childhood cancer. In the beginning my wounds were open all the time and these families pain didn’t add to my own. But as time went by every time we heard about or read about a child losing the battle and the struggle the parents were going through to pick up the pieces my wounds would open again. I have reached a point where I can’t handle the constant pain and suffering mine and the families we were helping. I need to heal. I still keep up with the Angels in Atlanta website but haven’t volunteered for anything since before Christmas. I don’t know if this is a temporary break I do hope I can continue my support for this wonderful organization at some point in the future.
So 4 years later I am still healing but everyday gets easier and harder at the same time. The realization that Amanda would be 4 years old this summer is mind boggling to me. It seems like a life time ago but at the same time seems just like yesterday.