Amanda’s Story

I have tried to start this post more than once this week but nothing came.   Five years is a long time.  Today would have been Amanda’s 5th birthday.   In the last five years we have moved forward with our lives without our daughter and sister.   She is never far from our thoughts but we do move forward.  We still have bad days but after 5 years there are certainly more good than bad. 

I sit here tonight in the dark with the glow of the computer screen on my face wondering what would be different if Amanda had lived.    Most people think going down that road is only dwelling on things I can’t change.    Normally when you lose a loved one you have specific things to remember about them.   The way they looked  when you knew you were in trouble.  The sound of their voice,  sound of their laugh.  These are the things that people use to get through grief and remember the one lost.   I don’t have any of that.    Amanda never opened her eyes, she never smiled.  I never got to see her personality.   Would she be a tomboy like me or somewhere in the middle like Allison?  Would she like sports or computer games like Alex?    By 5 years old she would have sorted out most of that stuff and pretty much know who she was and who she wanted to be.  But she didn’t get the chance.  I am left wondering who she would  have been.     I usually imagine that she would have been somewhere in he middle between Alex and Allison.  They are polar opposites and she would have been the one somewhere in the middle. 

Other things would be different.. my house would be louder,  we would have less money,  that chair at the dinner table would be filled.    I wouldn’t be walking this life long journey of grief.   We would have presents to open on her birthdays instead of releasing balloons. 

Things would be very different.   I would still be the person that thought bad stuff happened to other people.   But I would have also missed the most beautiful amazing moment in my life.   The moment I held her in my arms and knew she had gone from this life to the next. 

Happy Birthday My Sweet Angel