Amanda’s Story

Its November again.  I wrote last year about how much I dislike this month and why.  I made it almost to the half way point before having an freak out melt down.  I was doing so well.  I have many things planned to keep me busy and my mind off the anger and sadness that threatens to overwhelm me.   But tonight it all came crashing down on me.  In the chaos of what is dinner time.  I was trying to get Tony to help me he was being distracted by the dog, kids and what else I don’t know.  I spilled corn all over the floor and loudly said “Can I have some help please”  I yelled it yes it was not my best moment.  Then he yelled back I am helping he had yet to see the corn everywhere.  I became very upset and yelled at him to stop yelling at me.  He returned the anger and I lost it.  Kicked a gate down ran upstairs in tears where I am currently hiding out.

I never loose it like that with Tony or the kids except this time of year.   Last year I completely avoided putting the Christmas tree up because it all ways ends in a fight and yelling.  A great way to start the holiday season.   Now that the November issues (I don’t even know what to call it) has come upon me I am not sure how I am going to make it through all the stuff I have planned for the rest of the month.

I miss my baby girl and the life I was suppose to have with her!

Kim