Amanda’s Story

Oh How much I hate this question. Almost as much as I hate the “How many children do you have?” question.

For some reason if you have a child between 1 and 2 years old people ask this all the time. To answer this question its a BIG FAT NO. We are not going to have anymore babies. Problem is people can’t take no for an answer. I get “Ah why not you make such cute kids”. Yes but they are not always healthy! The risks of loosing another child are too great for us to consider going down that road again.

I always wanted 3 kids. I will always dream of having 5 people at the Dinner table. When we go to restaurants and they ask how many, though I speak the number 4 there are really 5 of us.

In my heart I am the Mother of 3 children. My heart Aches for Amanda everyday. My arms don’t get to hold her. My eyes don’t get to see her. However I dream of her, of what kind of baby and toddler she would have been. I also dream of what kind of person she would have grown up to be.

Tony and I have discussed adoption and it comes up every now and then. Nothing serious yet and won’t be until Allison is a bit older. I think Tony is content with our family as it is. I would like to adopt but still not sure if its a need to fill that spot at the Dinner table. Or the belief that I have enough to give another child.

Whatever the out come of the adoption discussion I will not be having anymore babies. If when we adopt it will be a slightly older child between ages 3-5 (why we want to wait until Allie is older).

I think this was my mini vent preparing for the many times I will be asked this question over the next few months with the upcoming holidays.

Kim

It is November 2nd. I am not sure how or why the flipping of a piece
of paper over that has November written at the top can make me feel so
out of sorts.  I am not sure I have ever shared this but I am going to
now.  I HATE the month of November.  October is great.  Allison’s
birthday, my birthday, Halloween, and the beginning of fall are all
wonderful things and great ways to make memories with my children.
November has Thanksgiving and the beginning of The Christmas Season. At
first glance November shouldn’t be all that horrible right?

Holidays are always difficult after you have lost a loved one and
especially a child. But usually you feel grumpy and crabby the day or
the week or month they actually died. Or I see their Birthday being
difficult. For me Amanda’s birth and death came on the same day in
July. But I don’t tend to get upset, angry or sad in July. I rejoice at
her short life and the people she touched.

Its November that is my sad depressed grumpy time of year. It comes
each year just like the flipping of the Calendar with the word November
glaring at me reminding me whats coming.

Why November you might be wondering. Well to be honest I didn’t
realize it until last year. For the past 3 years I have been a total
grump in November. I pick fights with Tony. Throw the equivalent of a 2
year olds fit when decorating the Christmas tree the weekend after
Thanksgiving. In general I am a pain to live with.

November 2003 is when we found out we were pregnant with Amanda. The
day after Thanksgiving to be exact. November 2003 is when we decided
adding to our family is what we wanted and the time was right. November
2003 was the last time I thought I had the perfect life the perfect
family.

We were so excited about adding to our family. Never in my wildest
dreams did I ever consider I wouldn’t get the story book ending.

So it seems every November a dark gloomy cloud parks itself over me
and goes away as mysteriously as it shows up when the Calendar changes
to December 1st.

So for the next 28 days if I don’t seem all the cheerful I am sorry.
Its almost like I combine all my bad days into one month and do it all
at once instead of spreading them out over the year.

Even though I know what is causing it and that its happening it
doesn’t always help me stop the irrational anger and sadness that shows
up unannounced to those around me.

To top it off this November Pastor Robb is leaving our church. He
has accepted another call at a mission church not to far from us.
Pastor Robb was with us that day in July 3 1/2 years ago. My heart and
prayers go with you and your family to your new church home. But it
makes my heart hurt to see you go.

Kim