Amanda’s Story

Tonight I was talking to a friend who has a son entering Kindergarten this year.   We were talking about School Supplies and clothes.  Then something I was apparently not preparped for smacked me in the face.  Amanda would be entering Kindergarten this year.  She would be five entering school.  I felt physically ill.  Tightness in my chest,  a knot in my stomach.  As the tears threaten to come, I didn’t know how to make it stop.  I havent’ felt this physically upset in a long time.  Why and how did this blindside me?   I knew it was comming.  Back in the spring I thought about it.   How did I not prepare myself for it?  Busy getting the kids ready for their big day’s missing the fact that this was going to be  a difficult milestone.  I thought the first year had all the really hard firsts.  I guess not!

Amanda’s 5th birthday is getting close. I have found myself in conversations about her in the last month. More than usual. Allison was looking at my bracelet the other day at Church and as always asked who the picture of the baby was. I told her it was Amanda her sister. Now we have had this conversation many times with her looking at my bracelet. Being only 3 years old she has never fully grasped what I tell her. This time however she latched on the the sister meaning and realized what I was telling her. She asked if we could go see her. I said no that she was in heaven with God. Allison became insistent that we go see her. How do I explain to a 3 year old that her sister died and we can’t visit her for a long time when I don’t completely grasp the concept myself. I see this conversation happening a lot over the next month as we prepare for Amanda’s birthday. I pray I find the right words to help her understand something that is impossible to understand. Maybe we will strive for acceptance that she can’t visit Amanda just yet.

Kim